Sanctuary Saga - a three week rush - part 2

Before moving on to Saturday I need to explain something

In the last few months cannabis oil has become legalized in South Africa, and Miss M had been using it for the lions to help them and it has been working well
We had chatted about it because my mom really struggles with Fybromyalgia and is resistant to using the oil for fear of any intoxicating properties. Miss M explained that the oil only has healing properties as the cannabis used for it is specific in that it does not have the intoxicating strain. She told me to use it as it was lying on her table, and see what it does.
So I did, and it worked. My backache was just gone, my knees were handling the stairs better , my joints weren’t aching, my hands were painfree and I didn’t feel high or anything at all.
The oil is in a thick syringe and it solidifies in the cool temperature, so I had to rub it in my hands to melt it a bit before I could get some out. Being over analytical me I was worried that the continuous warming and cooling would cause the emulsion to shift
I noticed a bottle of drops on the table that Miss M was using and from what I understood it was the same thing, just a different oil suspension which kept it in a liquid state...

So, Saturday morning I was told I had to bring Eno to the vet in Lephalale and had to be there by 11:30 for him to be admitted. I would also then do the shopping needed for the vegan food for ADI and other general stuff. I had my phone charged and I could use the maps to get to where I needed to be, so I was feeling confident and calm
And I took a few drops from the bottle instead of the syringe, because it’s the same, right???

The road to Lephalale is part dirt road and part tarred. There is not much traffic on the dirt road and stopping on the tarred road is just not a good idea. There are no petrol stations like in Holland, but its about an hour – hour and a half to get to Lephalale so its fine

About 15 minutes into the ride I suddenly felt a shift in my mind or brain. It was the weirdest thing ever. My mouth went dry like the desert almost instantaneously, I was aware that I wasn’t aware. Panic set in, I didn’t know what the hell was happening. The thirst made me think it might be a hypo or hyper attack as diabetes is a family thing and I’m not exactly in the best of shape or health, and I cursed myself for not listening to that little voice that told me 3 times(!) take water with you.
My head was buzzing, could it be a stroke?
I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t turn the car as the road was too narrow, I could only keep on going.
I then realized it was possibly the drops and I had a bit of a giggle because I have never done drugs before, and have smoked a grand total of 2 cigarettes in my life, and now I was experiencing a buzz...
Laughter and humour left extremely quickly as the ‘trip’ set in.
To cut a long story short I have no idea how I managed to get to Lephalale (and actually drive through it, do a U-turn and go back). Everything was surreal, my mouth was screaming for water, my body felt detached, I had to concentrate how to brake, my hands tingled, my head felt dizzy when I moved it, and I was alone, extremely alone.
Eno was trying to get to the front of the car and I was scared he would try to break out. I didn’t have a leash for him and I was in no state to do anything
I seriously shat bricks, I was seriously scared.
Thoughts of my dads ‘dream’ echoed loudly around me and I got even more scared, was it a premonition at the end of the day? And my mom, I was crying, but couldn’t allow myself to cry because I had to remain calm and focused and get to the bloody vet because he was the only one that knew me and could connect me to The Sanctuary.
The accident I had witnessed on Tuesday flashed through my mind and I felt sick, was this going to happen to me? Oh my God...
I couldn’t use my phone to navigate, I could barely see that I needed to be in Ellisstreet, so I drove around looking for a petrol station, found one, scrounged for some change and staggered in. I put the money on the counter and asked for water, and for help
And I cursed African time. It took for bloody ever to get a bottle of water from her, even after saying I needed help, slow motion is still faster than how they moved, FFS!
It took forever to get the water and it took less than 2 seconds to empty the bottle. And the haze lifted, just a bit, relief flooded over me
I asked again for help and explained I need to get to the vet on Ellisstreet. To me that was where I could collapse, fall down, let go, whatever
One woman came in and offered to take me to the vet, as luck would have it (luck? Guidance?) it was the street behind the petrolstation
She was such a blessing, she took me there, waited for me as I got Eno out (I used the belt from my handbag, pretty good thinking for someone totally off the planet in my opinion) and walked into the vet. I walked to the counter and begged for water again and mumbled this is Eno, from The Sanctuary, and the fear of being lost if I fell away dissipated, I was as safe as I could get at that moment
I phoned Miss M and told her something was really wrong and I needed help, I needed to get to a clinic, I could not imagine that those few drops could do this to a person, it had to be something else, something really serious, it had to be a stroke or onset diabetes.
I have never ever been in such a bad place that warranted asking for help so clearly and so often.
I was also begging for a sweet, sweets help when your sugar is low, right? But what if it were too high? I didn’t know, I couldn’t answer, I was in a bad state
She phoned someone who came to the vet to help me and I sat there holding Eno, drinking water and feeling lost, both physically, mentally and emotionally. I have seldom been this scared, for myself and the consequences for the loved ones , and my poor mom if something happened. Its making me cry now
I sent a message to Miss M asking if it could possibly be the drops that were doing this, and she phoned back, relieved and laughing, but also worried. The amount of drops I had taken was an overdose. What I saw her take was an amount she had built up over time, AND she took it at night, to calm down and help her sleep because that is what it does, it helps you sleep.
I had been fighting sleep and overdose for a good 2 hours and I was finished
I felt sick and threw up in the dustbin, my whole body cringed and twisted to try get this stuff out of my system, but I couldn’t escape. Miss M said the only way to get through this was to let go, to go sleep and allow the trip to travel its path
You see a trip is different to being drunk or a bad migraine. Coffee helps drunkness, grampa pills fix a migraine. Nothing fixes a trip, it needs to travel its path through your system, your mind and your brain. You need to ‘let go’ as Miss M said, I had to go sleep ‘now’!
And this for me, madam control and never let go, I just couldn’t, so I sat there holding Eno, the glass of water and trying to focus and stay alert, but I was nailed down, moving became more difficult and heavy, the only thing I could use was my awareness and it was doing overtime

So, the lady spoke to Miss M again, took Eno, took the carkeys and took charge, and I sat there lost in so many ways, alone in the midst of people bustling around
She pulled up the car and put the front seat back and helped me get in. I still managed to joke about being disappointed that I couldn’t drive, but she was not impressed. I made a mental note to explain to her my kind of humour.
I lay back on the seat and listened to everything as it went by, and waited for Charl. Miss M had phoned him as he lives in Lephalale, he would drive me, Eno and the car back to The Sanctuary.
He opened the window and asked me to warn him if I felt sick, and I told him been there, done that, got the certificate. At least he appreciated my humour as he chuckled, or was he just feeling sorry for me, I wonder...
I said thank you to the lady that helped me and checked that I had my bag, and lay back and felt the sun comfort me as we travelled back, peeking through the leaves, stroking my face and keeping me warm. I remember the trip, I was worried he was travelling too fast, and I was clutching the gold card that belonged to Sav so it didn’t disappear and tried to relax.
It took him 45 minutes to get to The Sanctuary, no idea how he did that, and Miss M came to help me out of the car

I had 2 things to say to her:
1 – we need to sell this shit in Holland, we’d make a fucking fortuin
2 – here is your creditcard

I watched as they tried to get a zoned out Eno out of the back and mentioned that we happened to both be on the same planet at present which I thought – again – was rather sharp of me. And funny.

I was then helped to my tent, went to the loo and lay down on my bed and reflected on what had happened, SO grateful that I was ‘home’.
I thought out loud and wondered how many bloody guardian angels had been with me today because there is no way in hell I could have made it unscathed through this all without them

And I heard from within ‘None, you had me’... and I felt safe and surrendered to the Trip



I slept through until 8:30 the next morning, got up and went to the lapa to meet laughter and banter. I was now a druggie. I tried to explain my reasoning that led up to me taking drops instead of what was in the syringe, but if folks were listening I don’t know. I myself felt embarrassed, and really angry with me for putting myself in such a bad and dangerous situation. I can still feel the fear I felt, it was sickening

I spent the rest of the day doing the regular things and just trying to process what had happened, and not cry
Because if reliving it all didn’t move me to tears then the resonance of that one voice did (and still does)

That evening I sat with Miss M and we discussed what still needed to be done for tomorrow as ADI (Animal Defenders International) and Stichting Leeuw would be arriving for meetings, so the tents, the food, the lapa. The sphere was down and tense. Miss M has a dislike for Jan Creamer – founder of ADI - and there were posts and talk of pulling the remaining 31 lions.
Luckily Robert and Agnes from Stichting Leeuw were also flying in and they would bring more balance to the mix. They would be arriving Monday afternoon and staying until about the end of the week, so it was going to be busy with meetings, and stressful

So, Monday was busy, changing the kitchen pantry to vegan, vegetarian and animal sections.
I also moved to the second tent as Robert and Agnes were a couple and my tent with divine bed and duvet was better for them... aargh, the sacrifices, haha
Robert and Agnes arrived around 2pm with steaks and biltong... HUH? I thought they were vegetarian??? Nope, not them apparently. I was asked to make a steak lunch before the ADI team who really were vegans, arrived.
So, one huge steak, potatoes, mixed veggies and a salad, simple and good, everybody happy *grin*
Jan and Angie arrived just before sunset and the mood became stark. Jan is an English woman with English mannerisms. She is also a very successful businesswoman, and also used to talking to people like they are children and she knows better – at least that is how she came across to me. So I made a vegan spaghetti, and engaged in a light easy way.
As we were eating Eno came in again, he had escaped the laundry room where he had been since his visit to the vet as he had 22 stitches and a drain in his top hind leg and it couldn’t be allowed to get dislodged or infected, but somehow he had escaped. So I went to go get him and take him back. I forgot to take a phone or anything and there was no light, but I saw in the moonlight that he had broken through the window! I ran my hand softly over the ledge and felt sharp spikes. Bloody hell this was one lucky dog! I pulled the biggest shards out and put them behind the washing machine, and got chairs etc to barricade the 2 windows. I gave him water and closed the door behind me, feeling very bad for him
I walked back and told Sav and she wanted to go look with lights, so we walked back, and luckily we did. Eno had tried to get out again and had pulled the chairs off the tables, including tv and things from the shelves.
We checked him over for wounds from the glass but he seemed ok. We then phoned security to let them know we were taking him back to the herd, its what he wanted, he wasn’t happy there. He jumped off the bakkie and went to the herd and looked happy, much better!
We got back to the lodge and walked into the lapa and I could see something had happened. There were only 3 people – Miss M, Robert and Agnes.
Apparently Miss M had said something that upset Jan who then got up and went to her tent. Oooh shit, this did not look good. Robert stated it was best if he didn’t talk with her anymore because it was impossible to talk to her and he was worried he would lash out
That night going to bed everything felt grim, like it was spiraling down and falling apart

I was up on Tuesday and in the kitchen by 7. Breakfast for ADI and ST Leeuw was at 8, lunch at 1, dinner at 7 and meetings inbetween with various security companies, Anti Poaching units and a number of other organizations, to hash out what to do, what would it cost and who would pay. At the end of the day it all comes down to money and goodwill. And ego, a clash of characters doesn’t really help.
I think what they also didn’t realize was that with 6 people sitting at the table you also have 4 cultures that worked differently to each other, so when one person says something meant well, another could experience it as insulting and given the stress everyone was under it was difficult.
So, I kept myself busy with cooking and baking and clearing and light chatting, and inbetween looking after Tex and Noah, sorting out Norma the horse as she had gotten herself tangled up, and giving the meercats apples and Norma apples and carrots, and cursing because Miss M’s bloody menus were 1200 calories per day and not enough at all for a grown up running around so I had to remake everything for lunch (vegan / vegetarian fajitas) again as they were still hungry. That afternoon Tertius was in the kitchen again when Miss M and Sav walked in, and the jokes were plenty
And dinner there were 2 more people that Miss M forgot to tell me so I made a separate chicken curry for Elzet and Sav, a vegan eggplant lasagna and a vegetarian eggplant lasagna and a quick tomatosoup and bread pudding to fill up, and got the fire going, and and and. And Tertius came in again for coffee before his shift started.
I didn’t get a chance to sit down and eat with everyone and wasn’t really up for it
I went to the kitchen to clear up the last things and was just waiting for the dishwasher to finish when Miss M stormed in, extremely angry
‘What is my biggest problem here’? she shouted. I was baffled, I thought they had had another fall out or something...
‘Poaching! Poaching is my biggest problem’... and then she rattled off on a tirade about how the other guard lied to her when she asked where Tertius was (apparently when he was with me in the kitchen) and how everyone was fired, and finally somewhere inbetween the poison and anger ‘and if you not careful you can pack your fucking bags and leave too’...
Right. I had just worked from 7 am to 9 pm flat out without even stopping for lunch or dinner, I had no idea what was going on, and now I was being sworn and threatened in such an enraged condescending way, I was nailed to the ground in disbelief. I watched her march off on the phone, swearing at the next person.
What? Seriously, WHAT???
I dropped everything, took my phone and went to my tent, in absolute tears.
And then I got angry, and resolute. I will not stand for anyone treating me like that, I am not a dog, I am no one’s punching bag, I had done nothing wrong to warrant this kind of treatment.
She had been snide a few times before and I had spoken to her about this, but in all honesty when I saw her swear at the black staff when I just got to The Sanctuary I kind of knew what her mindset was and that it was only a matter of time before she was the same to me
Apparently that matter of time was 3 weeks
I packed my bags (which were mostly still packed from moving tents) and sent her a message telling her exactly what I thought of it and that I would be leaving the next day.
I also sent a message to Sav telling her I would be leaving due to problems with her mom.
I got a curt reply about talking tomorrow and she wouldn’t allow anyone to compromise The Sanctuary, and then told me I ‘could only leave after Thursday and the polygraph’.
By that time I had had contact with CJ Carrington from Wild Heart Foundation and asked in terms of law etc what she was allowed to or not allowed to do, and CJ told me she had no right to keep me against my will. I told her I was stuck, I had no idea how to get away as the sanctuary was under lock down (so no foreign vehicles were allowed on the grounds) and its not like there are busses in the area that I could take to Vaalwater, I had no idea what to do
Its pretty daunting when the place you call home is suddenly a prison and you feel alien, like you don’t belong anymore
5 minutes later CJ sent me a message and a contact number. ‘Coincidence’ would have it that an acquaintance of hers that she hadn’t spoken to in 20 years saw her post for help on her FB page and ‘just happened’ to be packing and leaving Lephalale for Pretoria the next day, travelling through Vaalwater!
I stopped believing in coincidences years ago, but sometimes when puzzle pieces slot into each other in such a clear tangible way it still leaves me astounded and humbled
I sort of slept, inbetween tears. I remember hoping to hear the lions one last time, but they were silent too. Its amazing how silence can sometimes comfort, and sometimes make you feel even more alone

I got up on Wednesday – 3 weeks to the day that I left for The Sanctuary - showered and got myself sorted, and went up to the lapa at about 8:30.
Everyone was there, Miss M didn’t look up and Sav looked at me questionably. I smiled and winked at her. She’s a good kid, she really is, I genuinely like her and think she has too much on her plate for a 20 year old, including a mom that is falling off the wagon in many ways and possibly destroying what Sav is trying to build up

I went to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee and a sandwich, and sorted out a few things I still had there and basically waited. My phone was charging so I couldn’t go anywhere and it was a bit early to phone Rudi (CJ’s friend) and I was also just feeling lost as I didn’t belong there anymore
At a certain point Miss M walked in to get something, and greeted the worker that was there and ignored me. I actually laughed. This was a woman that wanted to be international, European, sophisticated and this was her behavior? Pathetic!
I went to my tent and started getting my bags up to the lapa (cursing myself, why the hell do I always travel with so much, I mean really?!?!?!) and put them down inside
I contacted Charl to find out what the possibilities were to get to Vaalwater but it was clear he didn’t want to get involved, he told me to phone Sav.
So, I phoned Sav and asked her what the possibilities were as I could meet Rudi in Vaalwater, or he could come to the lodge to pick me up. She offered to take me to Vaalwater and was very friendly
Robert and Agnes were also leaving, they wanted to spend a last night at a lodge that was a bit more romantic, so we could possibly leave together, but Miss M was not having it, she didn’t want me to travel with them
And so, suddenly, it was time to leave. Sav took my suitcase to her car and I said goodbye to Robert and Agnes, and asked him if I could contact him when I was in Holland. I did this because I really want to, to see what projects they are busy with and who knows how our paths might cross later on, but also to let Miss M know her attempts to shield me off would never work (yes, I too can really be a bitch if pushed hard enough)
So I shook their hands and said goodbye to Jan and Angie, and there was Miss M standing, smiling and saying thank you for everything
Seriously? Sorry, fakeness does not work well with me, I don’t care who is around.
I think she felt she had to act like this because of the ‘spectators’, but I wasn’t in the mood for it. I looked her square in the eyes and asked in a calm audible voice if she had sorted my finances (the money I had spent on her petrol and shopping).
She said that Sav would take care of it, I said ‘fine’, turned around and walked off
I heard a few gasps behind me, but it was behind me, the whole sorry saga, Miss M with her moods and booze and drugs and empty promises, and The Sanctuary with her lions and animals I had yearned for to experience but never really got to and probably never would even if I stayed.

Sav drove to Vaalwater and I spoke to her, trying to explain what had happened and she was really nice, she even comforted me when I started crying and told me it was most probably all because of the stress etc. I told her what I thought she needed in terms of help at the sanctuary, and I told her her mom needed help, and she agreed with me.
I felt so sad for her, to be stuck in this position with these problems on her shoulders, she really is a kid 20 going on 40
We talked about things and it was a pleasant ride, and we got to Vaalwater just as Rudi drove up, so we quickly moved my stuff over, I got some water and a samoosa (I LOVE samoosa’s!) and the final part of my journey could start
Rudi was such a lovely guy. He had just been retrenched and was leaving his work of 8 years that day. So much resonated with what I had experienced at Gesit it was freaky.
We had a good chat, and despite only needing to be in Pretoria he drove me all the way to my dads house, and would not accept one penny from me.
His only request was to ‘pay it forward’. Shoh

So, I am now at my dads, digesting what has happened and reaching out for the next challenge or opportunity
Sometimes when I hear or read about other peoples’ experiences and how simple or easy things happen on their path I wonder what I am doing that mine is often rocky and complicated.

But I guess me being me simple wouldn’t work, easy wouldn’t bring what rocky and complicated brings, and I guess that’s ok, because – again – I have been reminded that no matter what I will be fine, because ‘you have Me’...